Sometimes I feel like a fraud. A fake. A phony. I think I've duped everyone into thinking that I'm super smart and put together, confident and competent. I'm not really. Well, to be fair to me, sometimes I am. I am competent at my job (even though it is not demanding). I work hard. I sometimes know what I'm talking about when I get going about school stuff...
But there are also moments when I am just trying to keep my head above water! Often I don't know what I'm doing and just kind of bungle my way through things. I worry that I won't be able to live up to everyone's image of me. Expectations can be great and empowering, but also stifling and intimidating.
How much of this is in my head? How much of it is really just me projecting my own expectations of my self onto others? I don't have an answer to that, but I'm working on it!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Insomnia...blessing or curse?
In this case, it is a blessing! It means that I have time to write a new blog post. I am behind on my quota for the year. And actually, despite the title, this post has nothing to do with (not) sleeping. Many of you know that my taste in music is...eclectic. I like a little of everything. Lately I have been on this folksy, acoustic, singer-songwriter kick. Here are a few of my current favorites in no particular order:
1) Jolene- Ray Lamontagne: something about his voice is so soothing.
2) Winter Trees- The Staves: These three sisters just released their first EP in the U.S.! So excited.
3) Voice in My Throat- Pearl and the Beard: This is one of my new favorite songs...even though I can't figure out what they are saying or what it means...
4) To Whom It May Concern- The Civil Wars: Ok, in the interest of full disclosure watching this makes me a little bit sea sick and I have to close my eyes...but it is such a pretty song.
5) Awake My Soul- Mumford and Sons: I love everything these guys do!
Bonus) Will Smith Medley- Pearl and the Beard: This totally takes me back to the days when Will Smith was a musician who also acted, instead of the other way around. Remember Carlton, Hillary, and Uncle Phil? Those were some good times. Plus they just look like they are having so much fun!
1) Jolene- Ray Lamontagne: something about his voice is so soothing.
2) Winter Trees- The Staves: These three sisters just released their first EP in the U.S.! So excited.
3) Voice in My Throat- Pearl and the Beard: This is one of my new favorite songs...even though I can't figure out what they are saying or what it means...
4) To Whom It May Concern- The Civil Wars: Ok, in the interest of full disclosure watching this makes me a little bit sea sick and I have to close my eyes...but it is such a pretty song.
5) Awake My Soul- Mumford and Sons: I love everything these guys do!
Bonus) Will Smith Medley- Pearl and the Beard: This totally takes me back to the days when Will Smith was a musician who also acted, instead of the other way around. Remember Carlton, Hillary, and Uncle Phil? Those were some good times. Plus they just look like they are having so much fun!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Kshama
As most of you know, I am a planner. I like to know what to expect and kind of freak out a little if I don't. I am only comfortable if I am prepared for every possible contingency. (When I travel, it is ridiculous...I always take at least 3 pairs of shoes and several jackets of varying levels of warmth. You just never know what you will need!) Right now, a major part of my future has been decided. I am moving to New York. However, that is still four and a half months away. There is not a whole lot I can do yet. And it's kind of driving me nuts. I want to know everything now! Where will I live? What classes will I take? What research will I be working on? Who will I be TA-ing for? What is the church singles branch like? Should I go there or to a family ward? Where will I buy groceries? Where should I do my banking? There are a million questions like that in my head. I know that as time goes by that I will figure all this stuff out, but the control freak that lurks inside of me wants all of this resolved immediately!
All of this is simply to say that I have resolved to do a better job at living in the moment. As excited as I am for this move, I will really miss my home here. I don't want to miss any of my time left here because I am stressing about the future. One of the philosophies that I so much enjoy in yoga is the idea (called kshama) that we only truly live when we are present and mindful of what's going on in the now. I am getting good at doing that during my practice, but now it is time to take it to the real world. So, the plan is to enjoy being where I am at this moment. It is super hard for me to let go like that (control-freak-me is screaming in protest even as I am typing this), but I trust that in due course everything will be ok...no, better than ok, it will be great!
All of this is simply to say that I have resolved to do a better job at living in the moment. As excited as I am for this move, I will really miss my home here. I don't want to miss any of my time left here because I am stressing about the future. One of the philosophies that I so much enjoy in yoga is the idea (called kshama) that we only truly live when we are present and mindful of what's going on in the now. I am getting good at doing that during my practice, but now it is time to take it to the real world. So, the plan is to enjoy being where I am at this moment. It is super hard for me to let go like that (control-freak-me is screaming in protest even as I am typing this), but I trust that in due course everything will be ok...no, better than ok, it will be great!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Memories
Ok, so here is yet another example of how strange my mind is sometimes. I went to my BFF Lindsay's senior recital tonight (she rocked it by the way), and afterwards another friend and I were talking about how classy Barbara Steisand is (also pretty random considering we were at an opera performance). Anyway, that got that song from "The Way We Were" stuck in my head. Well some of the lyrics are about memories and that got me thinking about some of the things I remember. I also read some research about early memories lately. Then, that got me thinking about my earliest memories.
Phew!
All that is to say that this week's top ten is the Top Ten Random Memories from my childhood. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember a lot of weird details...
1) In elementary, we had the option of chocolate, 2%, or 1% milk for lunch. The 1% came in a green carton...so naturally we assumed it was poisonous...because green things are poisonous...apparently.
2) My first grade teacher had really long fingernails. She would walk around the class while we were working and if you weren't on task, she would tap you in the head. It was really annoying to me.
3) One day, when I was about four, I remember sitting on the kitchen counter at our house in Kearns. I was thinking about dying. I was thinking, "what if I die and I just disappear? What would it be like to not be here any more?" (I'm sure it was not that articulate, but that was the gist.) I got really depressed and started bawling my eyes out. Eventually my mom came and comforted me, but really now, what kind of four year old has moments of terrifying existential angst like that??
4) Cory, Wade, and I used to make shoes out of empty tissue boxes. We also made space suites out of paper grocery bags. We were awesome.
5) I used to think that all girls had brown eyes and all boys had blue eyes because that's how it was in my family. Me and mom have brown eyes, and Cory and Wade have blue eyes.
6) When we were in the car driving to the hospital to see Mom and Wade after Wade was born, the radio was playing "Walk Like an Egyptian" by The Bangles.
7) I argued passionately for Wade to be named Annie... because it was my favorite movie. Also, because every one knows that if you give a baby a girl name, it will be a girl. Duh...
8) In kindergarten, I remember going to this kids birthday party. We played that game where you tie a balloon to your ankle and then run around trying to pop every one else's balloon. I remember thinking, how dumb it was. Why blow up all those perfectly lovely balloons and then let other people pop them?
9) I remember my mom reading us Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was so jealous of Charlie. (I was a chocolate addict even then...)
10) My favorite thing to wear in preschool were these bright pink stirrup pants. They were awesome. Ooo, and I also had some pink tights that I would wear with every dress...the purple one, the green one, it didn't matter.
What are some of your earliest memories?
Phew!
All that is to say that this week's top ten is the Top Ten Random Memories from my childhood. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember a lot of weird details...
1) In elementary, we had the option of chocolate, 2%, or 1% milk for lunch. The 1% came in a green carton...so naturally we assumed it was poisonous...because green things are poisonous...apparently.
2) My first grade teacher had really long fingernails. She would walk around the class while we were working and if you weren't on task, she would tap you in the head. It was really annoying to me.
3) One day, when I was about four, I remember sitting on the kitchen counter at our house in Kearns. I was thinking about dying. I was thinking, "what if I die and I just disappear? What would it be like to not be here any more?" (I'm sure it was not that articulate, but that was the gist.) I got really depressed and started bawling my eyes out. Eventually my mom came and comforted me, but really now, what kind of four year old has moments of terrifying existential angst like that??
4) Cory, Wade, and I used to make shoes out of empty tissue boxes. We also made space suites out of paper grocery bags. We were awesome.
5) I used to think that all girls had brown eyes and all boys had blue eyes because that's how it was in my family. Me and mom have brown eyes, and Cory and Wade have blue eyes.
6) When we were in the car driving to the hospital to see Mom and Wade after Wade was born, the radio was playing "Walk Like an Egyptian" by The Bangles.
7) I argued passionately for Wade to be named Annie... because it was my favorite movie. Also, because every one knows that if you give a baby a girl name, it will be a girl. Duh...
8) In kindergarten, I remember going to this kids birthday party. We played that game where you tie a balloon to your ankle and then run around trying to pop every one else's balloon. I remember thinking, how dumb it was. Why blow up all those perfectly lovely balloons and then let other people pop them?
9) I remember my mom reading us Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was so jealous of Charlie. (I was a chocolate addict even then...)
10) My favorite thing to wear in preschool were these bright pink stirrup pants. They were awesome. Ooo, and I also had some pink tights that I would wear with every dress...the purple one, the green one, it didn't matter.
What are some of your earliest memories?
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Gratitude
Cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving for the blessing of life and for the marvelous gifts and privileges each of us enjoy. The Lord has said that the meek shall inherit the earth. (See Matt. 5:5.) I cannot escape the interpretation that meekness implies a spirit of gratitude as opposed to an attitude of self-sufficiency, an acknowledgment of a greater power beyond oneself, a recognition of God, and an acceptance of his commandments. This is the beginning of wisdom. Walk with gratitude before him who is the giver of life and every good gift.
~Gordon B. Hinckley
I feel like I need to express some gratitude. Today I went to a special guest lecture about children's narratives and play. It was so interesting. The first thing I am grateful for is the opportunity I have to learn and spend so much time thinking. I love learning; it is so exciting to figure something out that you don't already know.
Also at this lecture was a group of people who have been super influential in my life with out realizing it. There were a lot of FCS faculty there, all of whom I had taken classes from. I ran in to Dr. Herrin, who I have taken three classes from- he wrote me letters of recommendation for my applications. Dr. Isabella taught the Intro to Human Development class that got me started in this direction. Dr. Brehl is an awesome human being first of all. She is also an awesome teacher. She got me interested in doing research and connected me with Holly and Cecilia. Speaking of Cecilia, she was there too. She has totally taken me under her wing and has been such a great resource and support. She calls her grad students her babies, and even though I am not one of her grad students she has adopted me into her academic family. Really that's what these people are. They are my academic family. I am often astounded by how generous every one is. I am so blessed to have been led to such a great group of people. It was just striking to see all these people in one room! The only ones who were missing today were Holly and Stacia.
Then I started thinking about all the people in my family family and my neighborhood family and my friend family. There are so many amazing people in this world. I'm sure that none of them have a clue how much I watch them and look up to them. The way people have reached out to me since the crap storm known as my father passed through has just blown me away. Going back even further, my amazing family has always been so supportive and close to me. This is no easy task considering how many of us there are! (10 aunts and uncles, 32 first cousins, 10-ish second cousins, plus the in-laws...and counting!) My ward is the most amazing group of people who really are like another extended family that I have; they are (for the most part) great at taking care of each other.
This might sound like a back-door brag, and I don't mean it that way at all, but I am surprised by how much people care about me. I am just me and yet there is this whole network of people (at school, at church, in the neighborhood, in my family...especially in my family) who bend over backwards for me on a regular basis. It really encourages me to want to be better and be that support to others. And I need to be better at doing what President Hinckley said- acknowledging God's hand in my life and being grateful for that. So this is me doing that now; I know that He has led me to where I am now. I know that I am in His hands. And I am so very thankful for all that I have been given and been able to experience.
~Gordon B. Hinckley
I feel like I need to express some gratitude. Today I went to a special guest lecture about children's narratives and play. It was so interesting. The first thing I am grateful for is the opportunity I have to learn and spend so much time thinking. I love learning; it is so exciting to figure something out that you don't already know.
Also at this lecture was a group of people who have been super influential in my life with out realizing it. There were a lot of FCS faculty there, all of whom I had taken classes from. I ran in to Dr. Herrin, who I have taken three classes from- he wrote me letters of recommendation for my applications. Dr. Isabella taught the Intro to Human Development class that got me started in this direction. Dr. Brehl is an awesome human being first of all. She is also an awesome teacher. She got me interested in doing research and connected me with Holly and Cecilia. Speaking of Cecilia, she was there too. She has totally taken me under her wing and has been such a great resource and support. She calls her grad students her babies, and even though I am not one of her grad students she has adopted me into her academic family. Really that's what these people are. They are my academic family. I am often astounded by how generous every one is. I am so blessed to have been led to such a great group of people. It was just striking to see all these people in one room! The only ones who were missing today were Holly and Stacia.
Then I started thinking about all the people in my family family and my neighborhood family and my friend family. There are so many amazing people in this world. I'm sure that none of them have a clue how much I watch them and look up to them. The way people have reached out to me since the crap storm known as my father passed through has just blown me away. Going back even further, my amazing family has always been so supportive and close to me. This is no easy task considering how many of us there are! (10 aunts and uncles, 32 first cousins, 10-ish second cousins, plus the in-laws...and counting!) My ward is the most amazing group of people who really are like another extended family that I have; they are (for the most part) great at taking care of each other.
This might sound like a back-door brag, and I don't mean it that way at all, but I am surprised by how much people care about me. I am just me and yet there is this whole network of people (at school, at church, in the neighborhood, in my family...especially in my family) who bend over backwards for me on a regular basis. It really encourages me to want to be better and be that support to others. And I need to be better at doing what President Hinckley said- acknowledging God's hand in my life and being grateful for that. So this is me doing that now; I know that He has led me to where I am now. I know that I am in His hands. And I am so very thankful for all that I have been given and been able to experience.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Something to Cheer You Up Today
I wish I were a glow worm,
A glow worm's never glum.
Cuz how can you be
grumpy, when the sun shines
out your bum?!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The University of Rochester
Oh boy, where do I start!
Over New Years, while I was staying with my good friend Allegra in Pennsylvania, I got an e-mail from Dr. Judi Smetana at the University of Rochester. I had applied to work with her in graduate school; she studies both parenting and moral development...perfect! Anyway, the email was to invite me to come and interview with her in february. Of course I was ecstatic. Allegra and I did a little dance around her kitchen, I called my mom, and I responded to Dr. Smetana "Yes of course!"
Fast forward about a month. I flew to Rochester for their interview weekend. It was one of the most nerve wracking, exhausting weekends of my life! I flew in on Friday after noon; my host, a very nice lady named Wendy, picked me up from the airport. Then that evening the current graduate students hosted a dinner for the applicants. I got to talk to quite a few people, which was great. They are all doing such interesting things!
Saturday was interview day. I got to talk to more graduate students; they asked what my interest were and why I thought Rochester and I would would be a good fit for each other. Then I talked to Dr. Smetana for an hour...I was totally nervous but held it together. She is super nice and very fun to talk to. I interviewed with some more faculty as well. Saturday night there was an informal dinner with all the faculty, grad students, and applicants. It was cool to get to talk to Dr. Smetana and the other students in a less formal setting. Then I flew home on Sunday. It was a quick, but informative trip.
They said it would be 2-3 weeks before they made any decisions so I came home to wait. Then on Thursday this week I got an email from Dr. Smetana saying she would like to talk to me and asking when would be a good time to call. I kind of freaked out a little. It hadn't even been a week yet! But she called on Friday and said they would like to offer me a place in their graduate program! Again, I had a little dance party around my house. I am so excited about this. It's a lot to think about, but it is a great opportunity and not one I think I can pass up. Rochester is an amazing school and Dr. Smetana will be a great mentor!
It is so nice to a) be able to talk intelligently with people who are interested in the same nerdy things that I am interested in and b) to have all the work I have done for the past 4 years validated in a tangible way. I'm going to get paid to go to school for pete's sake! Yay!
Over New Years, while I was staying with my good friend Allegra in Pennsylvania, I got an e-mail from Dr. Judi Smetana at the University of Rochester. I had applied to work with her in graduate school; she studies both parenting and moral development...perfect! Anyway, the email was to invite me to come and interview with her in february. Of course I was ecstatic. Allegra and I did a little dance around her kitchen, I called my mom, and I responded to Dr. Smetana "Yes of course!"
Fast forward about a month. I flew to Rochester for their interview weekend. It was one of the most nerve wracking, exhausting weekends of my life! I flew in on Friday after noon; my host, a very nice lady named Wendy, picked me up from the airport. Then that evening the current graduate students hosted a dinner for the applicants. I got to talk to quite a few people, which was great. They are all doing such interesting things!
Saturday was interview day. I got to talk to more graduate students; they asked what my interest were and why I thought Rochester and I would would be a good fit for each other. Then I talked to Dr. Smetana for an hour...I was totally nervous but held it together. She is super nice and very fun to talk to. I interviewed with some more faculty as well. Saturday night there was an informal dinner with all the faculty, grad students, and applicants. It was cool to get to talk to Dr. Smetana and the other students in a less formal setting. Then I flew home on Sunday. It was a quick, but informative trip.
They said it would be 2-3 weeks before they made any decisions so I came home to wait. Then on Thursday this week I got an email from Dr. Smetana saying she would like to talk to me and asking when would be a good time to call. I kind of freaked out a little. It hadn't even been a week yet! But she called on Friday and said they would like to offer me a place in their graduate program! Again, I had a little dance party around my house. I am so excited about this. It's a lot to think about, but it is a great opportunity and not one I think I can pass up. Rochester is an amazing school and Dr. Smetana will be a great mentor!
It is so nice to a) be able to talk intelligently with people who are interested in the same nerdy things that I am interested in and b) to have all the work I have done for the past 4 years validated in a tangible way. I'm going to get paid to go to school for pete's sake! Yay!
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