Mother's day is coming up. Because I'm a super nerd, I did a little research in to the origins of how it became a thing we all celebrate. Anna Jarvis was a social activist and business woman in the early 1900s. She started celebrating Mother's Day with her church after her own mother died. Jarvis pushed for Mother's Day to become an official holiday and succeeded in 1914 when Woodrow Wilson proclaimed it a national holiday. Toward the end of her life, she became frustrated with the commercialization and trivialization of the day and fought against, among other things, mother's day cards. She said, "A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment." So the moral of that story is to be thoughtful about actually honoring your mother(s) on Mother's Day.

But there was another woman who pushed for a different kind of Mother's Day. In 1870, Julia Ward Howe, a well know abolitionist, social activist, suffragette and poet (who happened to write the Battle Hymn of the Republic) wrote what would become known as The Mother's Day for Peace Proclamation:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts,
whether our baptism be that of water or of tears!

Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by
irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking
with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be
taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach
them of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”

From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance
of justice.”Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession.

As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons
of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a
great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women,
to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the
means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each
bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a
general congress of women without limit of nationality may be
appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at
the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the
alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement
of international questions, the great and general interests of
peace.

What a great reminder that we are all human, and all part of a family. Hopefully remembering that can help us all treat each other better. We have to start treating each other better on a personal AND social level. The injustice and systematic lack of compassion in so many of our social institutions sometimes makes me want to cry tears of sorrow and frustration. If men and women were allowed to carry 'feminine' traits, like compassion, empathy, sensitivity, and intuition, in to the public spheres of politics and diplomacy what kind of world would we live in? I'd like to think a much better, much more peaceful one.

Summer Song - 2014 Edition

Classes are over, which means it's time once again to announce this years Summer Song. For all of you new readers, one of my dear friends from college (looking at you Ali!) got me started picking a summer  song to use as a way to celebrate the warm weather and being outside.

I had a really hard time picking this year because, let's be honest, grad school has separated me from all things pop culture. I just don't have time to keep up with everything! But after much consideration this year's selection is *drum roll please*…..

Shake - The Head and the Heart

I owe a big shout out to my friend Kiana for introducing me to this band in college. They are one of my favorites!

Past Summer Songs:
2009 - Bruises (Chairlift)
2010 - Put Your Records On (Corinne Bailey Rae)
2011 - To Be Surprised (Sondre Lerche)
2012 - Voice in My Throat (Pearl and the Beard)
2013 - Suntan (String Cheese Incident)
           Ne Me Quitte Pas/Don't Leave Me (Regina Spektor)

Documentaries

I have been on kind of a documentary kick the last few weeks. Watch movies and learn new things? Sign me up for that; those are my two favorite things! Here is a list of the top 10 things I've learned from the documentaries I've been watching:

10: Sing Your Song - Harry Belafonte is the classiest dude ever.

9: Blackfish - SeaWorld is the most awful place ever.

8: The World Before Her - Follows young women in India who are on two very different paths: a beauty pageant and a Hindu extremist training camp. Basic take home message: Patriarchy is bad for everyone.

7: Blue Planet - The ocean is amazing. But I'm totally biased; whales and sharks are my special interest after all.

6: Half the Sky - Most of my problems are 1st world problems and sexism exists in violent forms all over the world.

5: Crazy Love - People are insane. They become more insane when they are in love. They are even more insane than that when they are actually crazy AND in love.

4: The Planets - We are sooooo small.

3: Absent - full disclosure: I never actually finished this one. But I learned that people can make a whole documentary out of bunk science and bizarre beliefs…so listen really carefully to what people are telling you and take it with a grain of salt.

2: No Place on Earth: Sometimes people are crazy (see #5), but they can also be amazingly resilient and strong.

1: The Loving Story: Racism is the worst, and it hasn't been that long since it was written in to our laws. I forget sometimes how close we are to it.

Mentorship

(Note: this post turned out very differently than I originally intended for it to. During the process of writing it, I learned that one of my favorite people passed away. Beverly Brehl was one of my professors in college. I ended up taking 3 courses from her, and she is the one who encouraged me to think about getting in to research. For a quiet student who was intimidated by everyone and everything, it really meant a lot; with out Bev's encouragement and help, chances are I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now. She was everyone's favorite teacher. She went out of her way to help students, but held us to a very high standard. Watching her teach, you could tell she was so smart and so passionate about what she did. Even after I came to graduate school she emailed back and forth with me, just to check in. Bev was also just cool. She showed me how to knit. She had these socks that she made for herself with skulls on them. Up until she started getting really sick, she would send me little encouraging emails fairly regularly. I was a peripheral character in her life, but she was a hugely influential part of mine. So Beverly, this one's for you!)

Mentoring is something that I feel very strongly about, I think mostly because I've had great mentors my whole life. I've been really lucky and I am very grateful for all of them. I mean, what is the point of learning stuff, and more importantly learning how to learn stuff, if we're not going to share that with others?

Someone once asked me if I felt weird going in to academia because it is a selfish profession…you sit in your ivory tower all day and think about what you want to think about, and try and find support for your own ideas. I'm sure there is a reason that stereotype exists, and in the interest of full disclosure I have met some academics who are like that. But I know more who aren't, and the contrast makes it even more clear to me that to be a good academic and a good person, it is so important to be generous: generous with your time, your expertise, your thinking. Through mentoring graduate students and teaching undergraduates, (good) academics pass on their expertise, but they also listen and learn from them. (My advisor is great at that.) So no, I don't feel weird about being an academic because I don't think it is a selfish profession. I can turn in to that if you let it, but that's true of any thing. In fact, one common thread I've noticed running through the academy is the quest for understanding. I think trying to understand your fellow humans (through whatever method you choose) is pretty cool.

More important than academic mentoring is life mentoring. That sounds super cheesy. What I mean is that it's important to have people who can support and guide you in the right direction. Life is hard when you've never done it before, so…all the time. And while no two people's experiences are identical, it is helpful to have a sounding board who has had similar experiences, as well as the distance to offer a clearer perspective. I don't know about you, but I make the worst decisions in the heat of the moment. I've been lucky to have so many strong people there to talk me down from the ledge. My aunts, youth group leaders, teachers, club advisors, coaches, etc., have all given me the tools and the building materials I need to be where I am now.

Side note: ultimately we are all connected, and can learn from everyone we meet. And part of a successful mentor-mentoree relationship is bidirectionality. What I mean is that we all should be open to and learn from each other…it's a two way street.

Mentoring is also kind of a pay-it-forward deal. I just hope that one day I can do for someone what so many others have done for me. And to all those out there who have mentored me, thank you!

Therapy

I know, I've not been keeping up on my blogging. I've had a lot of stuff going on.

I feel like today's post is really important, though, and something I really want to talk about:

THERAPY

as in going to see a psychologist.

I hear a lot of people say they are afraid of it, or that they don't see the value in talking about your problems, or that they just don't have the time. There are a lot of  reasons NOT to go to therapy. As someone who fought going for a long time, believe me, I've been through them all. On the other hand, as a psychologist and as someone who has become a believer in the process I can tell you in most cases it's worth it.

One of the tricks is to find a therapist and a style of practice that works for you. Talking things through on a couch is not the only way, nor is it the best way for every one. The cliche of lying on a couch while a doctor takes notes usually refers to psychoanalysis. There is also humanistic therapy, cognitive behavior therapy (especially good for phobias), relational therapy, mindfulness training…and the list goes on. Finding a type that feels comfortable and is suited to your specific concerns is really important. Another thing to remember is that therapists are people too. Because of that, each has their own personality and style that they bring into sessions. Finding a person you can relate to, whose style complements your needs is a big part of finding success in therapy. Shop around! When I first moved to Rochester I went to probably 5 different people and then gave up for about 9 months. A few weeks ago I started looking again and found someone I really like! It might take a while, but stick with it.

I also will say that, even with a good therapist and the right type, therapy is really uncomfortable sometimes (ok, a lot of the time). And it's a lot of work. It can feel like you take two steps forward and five steps back. But again, you have to stick with it! It's a process, the payoffs from which are totally worth it.

It makes me sort of sad that there is so much stigma around mental health issues. Seeing a therapist does not make you weak. It does not make you crazy. It does not mean you are whiney. The complete opposite is true: facing your emotions and dealing with them, really dealing with them instead of pushing them away, takes a lot of strength. Being vulnerable takes a lot of courage.

I just started going back, and I've got a lot of work to do to get through my stuff (I have a lot of stuff…). It's really hard and painfully slow for me to feel like I can talk about things and admit that I'm not ok sometimes; today's session was exhausting but I think it will be worth it. If any of you are on the fence about starting therapy DO IT!

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.

~Anais Nin