Roller Coasters

This has been a...surprising week for me.  It was my last week of classes as an undergraduate.

I was sitting in my final attachment theory class and we all shared what we did for our final projects.  Everyone in the class except me wrote something about themselves or their families.  I didn't.  I was kind of dismayed at how open every one was.  It made me think...why wasn't I that way?  How come I didn't turn the lens on myself like everyone else had?  My knee jerk reaction was, "I'm ok...there is nothing to analyze."

Oh the lies we tell ourselves.

About 40 minutes into the 3 hour class, I realized that I didn't talk about myself because there was too much- too many emotions, too many experiences.  Between watching my mom struggle, having my dad leave, having my brothers 'leave' (in much more positive ways than my dad- mission and marriage...but still leaving), brought up a lot of attachment related stuff.  The problem has been that I was not ready to deal with it.  I feel like, now though, I am ready.  I don't want to be one of those people who shuts down their emotions.  My dad did that, and we all know how well that worked for him.

I am also trying to deal with all the stuff that graduating has brought up.  I went to a dinner my department gives for all the graduating members of it's honors society.  I had so much fun hanging out with the faculty who has taught me so much, and the friends I have made in my classes.  (Just an aside, seeing your professors in a social setting is like seeing your bishop in jeans, or your dentist at the grocery store...weird, but in a good way).  I love hanging out with people who get what I am saying and who love thinking and ideas as much as I do.  When it was over, though, I realized that may be the last time that I see some of those people.

It is super exciting, super scary, and super weird to think that I will be finished with this major, major chapter of my life.  My ambivalence has been surprising to me.  I have absolutely loved my college experience.  I feel like my world-view is so much broader than it used to be.  And isn't that what college is for?  The way I think is different, my career goals are different, and my future is definitely different than I thought it would be.  I swore I would never move out of the state again...that just goes to show you that you should be careful what you say because God has a sense of humor!  And I am actually excited about this move!  Who would have guessed?  I am going to really miss the U- going to class, interacting daily with all the amazing friends and mentors I acquired there, the amazing scenery, all the great resources right at my fingertips.  It has become my home-away-from-home and I love it.  Graduating from college is like the last marker of adulthood.  I am a real grown up now.

Having said all that, my two prevailing emotions right now are gratitude and excitement.  My life has been touched and shaped by so many amazing people in the last 4 years: my 'lab buddies' Holly Recchia, Stacia Bourne, Cecilia Wainryb, Kiana Tahari, Kris Oldroyd, Angie Erickson, Jenni Galloway; my professors Beverly Brehl, Marissa Deiner, Russ Isabella, Don Herrin, Jane Fjeldsted, Mary Ann Dresher, Pam Jones; my new friends Lindsay Davis, Melissa Robinson, Ali Engebretsen, Emily Leishman; my old friends Andrea Kesler (Smith), Chelsea Lindsay, Melissa Crockett, Allegra Franklin.  And so many more!!  I could go on and on and on.  I am so thankful for all they have given me and the opportunity I have had to learn from them- about academics, and how to be a good person.  And I am excited looking toward the future!  I am so excited to go to grad school.  I am excited to get to spend my focus and energy on thinking and learning.  I am excited to get to learn from a new group of people.

It is a strange, ambivalent place to be.  But it's all good.  I am good.

Life is good!

A Couple of Things

First of all, no one told me how hard it would be to focus the last month of my college experience.  It's like being a senior in high school but worse!  In high school, all your teachers knew if you were a senior and didn't expect much work out of you.  In college, none of your professors care.  Plus I already know where I am going to graduate school in a few months.  I'll get on the internet to do research for a paper or something...and end up on Dr. Smetana's lab website, or looking at apartments in Rochester.  I just have to stay focused for two more weeks!  That's all!

Second, this is actually happening; I am actually moving.  I reserved my space on a moving truck last week, mom and I are starting to make reservations for our trip out there, and I am starting to go through my stuff to decide what I am going to take.  Up until now, I've just been talking about it.  Now, though, I'm actually starting to DO things.  It's a little surreal.  I am so excited and happy, but I would be lying if I told you I wasn't scared too.  I worry that I'm going to get there, not be able to keep up, and fall on my face.  I worry that I will get too homesick.  I worry that I will disappoint myself and all the people who are rooting for me.  Most of all, I worry about my mom being alone.  She is tough, but shouldn't have to be.  I know that this is the right thing for me to do, so I just have to trust that things will work out!    

Mr. And Mrs. Smith In Real Life

No, not Brad and Angelina...

ANDREA AND JEFF!!!

My best friend just got engaged and I couldn't be happier for her, and for her fiancé who is, of course, getting the best lady in the world.

Now that it is official, I can tell the CONGRATULATIONS and let the world know how excited I am for them!

Andrea, know I love you tons and tons and am super proud of everything you are doing in your life.  You are such an amazing example and inspiration to me.

Jeff, even though I've only met you a few times, I think you just might be the guy who deserves such a great girl.  Take good care of my sister!

Social Support and Drug Dealers

I have been thinking about my support network a lot lately.  Maybe it's because I will be leaving it soon.  Or maybe it's because in the last few weeks I have and a tremendous amount of love shown to me, I don't know.  In the last few weeks I have been so lucky!

Last week I got to present my research at the National Conference of Undergraduate Research.  Don't get too excited...it was at Weber State this year.  I also got to see two of my dear friends present there's as well.  We car pooled up and back and it was wonderful.  We talked and laughed and discussed the networks of interpersonal relationships that it takes to be a successful drug dealer...you know, every day stuff like that.  Needless to say, I have some amazing friends in Kiana and Kris.  I also got to spend some time with my BFF Andrea, who had some very exciting, life changing news to share with me.  We have been through so much together, and I am so excited to share this next phase of life with her!  At the same time, I know that it's going to bring change.  But we have one of those unique friendships where distance doesn't matter; we can not see each other for weeks and as soon as we get together it's like no time has passed.

Since it was general conference last week and we didn't have church, my sweet little Primary (aka sunday school) girls brought me and my mom banana bread and hugs. These girls and their parents are so dear to me.  I am going to miss the tons, and it makes me kind of sad to think that I will not be here for all of the changes and exciting events in their lives.

Then yesterday I presented my research again at the Undergraduate Research Symposium, put on by the university of utah.  I had so many friends stop by just to see me.  I even had one of my friends from work who drove all the way up, even though she's not a student.  My mom, brother, and sister-in-law and I got to spend the day together.  My mom got to meet pretty much my entire 'academic family'.  We saw Beverly (who got me hooked on human development), Cecilia (who has helped me define and refine my interests), and Stacia (who has offered me so much support and kindness).  My family also got to meet a lot of my fellow research assistants that I have spent so much time with over the last 2 years.  I talked to one of my favorite aunts (who is actually more like my sister) later and she apologized for not making it out to see me ...Ok, this woman has 5 young boys who are out of school for the week and she is worried that she didn't make it to my dinky presentation?  Oh and she has come to see the same thing once already.  How amazing is she?

All these people made time for me this week.  And I am grateful.

Farewell Winter...?

This weekend was general conference for my church.  All the church leaders talk to the members world wide and it is awesome.  It's a chance to reflect and learn and grow.  It is also a prime example of how unpredictable Utah weather can be!  With out fail it rains/snows every conference weekend.  (Conference is every six months...October and April.)  Today, in keeping with that tradition it snowed.  This is crazy considering it was 75 degrees yesterday.  It got me thinking though how much I will actually miss winter!  I know that sounds crazy, but for this week's top ten here is why:

1) No more tights.

2) No more soft cuddly sweaters.

3) No more hot chocolate...ok, let's be real though I drink hot chocolate year round.  But there is something really nice about coming home out of the cold blustery weather to a nice cup of coco.

4) I can't let my legs get hairy.

5) No more fires in the fireplace.

6) No holidays for 3 months.

7) No more scarves.

8) I have this knit cap that I wear when I need to think really hard.  It is a pretty goofy looking hat anyway, but when I wear it in the summer it looks even more ridiculous.

9) No more crazy socks.

10) I have to keep my toe nails painted and pretty now.

So Farewell Winter!  I will miss you for the next six months, but I know we will find each other again soon :)

Having said that, there are also some things I am looking forward to with summer!

1) Flip flops!  Toes were meant to be free!

2) Tan skin.  I am sick of being pasty pail.

3) Hiking!  I used to hate being outside, but lately I find myself wanting to spend some quality time in mother nature.  Utah has some amazing scenery that I want to take advantage of in the next few months before I leave.

4) Being able to wear a skirt or shorts.

5) Being able to run outside.  Tread mills are great, but it is so much more fun to run in the real world.

6) Not having to wear a coat everywhere.  When you get to class there is no where to put it.

7) Driving with the windows rolled down...I love it!  It is warm summer nights when I miss my sun roof the most.

8) Eating my lunch/diner outside when I go to work instead of huddling in the back room like a mole person.

9) Fresh flowers and green trees and grass.  One of my favorite places in the world is Red Butte Gardens in Salt Lake.  It is amazing in the late spring/early summer.

10) The 4th and 24th of July.  For those of you outside of Utah, the 24th is Pioneer Day when we celebrate the first settlers coming to the state.  It is a lot of fun; we have rodeos and parades and fairs...and my family always has a pretty sweet get together.

Welcome warm days and sunshine!  I can't wait!