“In most Mormon gatherings, if I were to ask who you are, particularly what your eternal identity is, many would answer, ‘I am a child of God.’ It is a beautiful answer shaped by the Primary song we have learned and loved for two generations. But that is not enough. Every living person is a child of God. But that’s the beginning point, not the ending point. The ending point is to become peers of God, friends of God, coworkers of God, adults of God. He wants us to grow up, not remain children.” 

-Chieko Okazaki (Former Councilor in the Relief Society General Presidency)

Happy Birthday!

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 

 ~Moliere

So this is me not suppressing my grief.

My Grandpa died only a few weeks after my father left last year.  It was to much to grieve over all at once, and the stuff with my dad was more salient for some reason.  I felt really guilty that I wasn't grieving for my Grandpa like I should have.  But now, on his birthday I want to celebrate him!

I get annoyed when we idealize those who have passed on.  That should make it mean more when I say that my Grandpa was a really great guy.  He wasn't perfect, but he was genuinely good.  Here are my 10 favorite things about Grandpa:

10.  He always supported me in my education.  He wanted me to keep going to school, and always asked about how things were going.

9.  He was funny...his jokes were usually on the corny side, but funny none the less.

8.  Even though he wasn't the most patient of people, he tried.  And he knew his limits.

7.  He had really good taste in music.

6.  I loved talking to him about our family history.  He was so knowledgeable (he was a professional genealogist and was well respected in his field), and he could make names on a page seem like real people.

5.  He took time to talk to me, and he really listened most of the time.  Sometimes this was easier said than done because of how big our family is, but he made time for all of us.

4.  He loved ice cream almost as much as I do!

3.  He made time to come to my choir performances and piano recitals.

2.  He was tolerant of all kinds of people, and was empathetic to their shortcomings. 

1.  Even when he messed up, he kept trying to be better.  That is an example that I hope I can always follow.

Love you, Grandpa!

Different Perspectives

Dead Poet's Society is one of my favorite movies.  One of my favorite scenes in the movie is this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgWDUKP6Quk

Too often we get caught up in our own point of view.

This weekend was interview weekend for my department.  It was really strange to see all the applicants, so anxious to do well, and so unsure of their futures.  I spent most of the time feeling like a total impostor...I have not been here that long, and usually feel like I don't know what I'm doing, so how am I qualified to be interviewing these people?  

It was a good opportunity to change my perspective though.  I saw things through the interviewees eyes: I saw how excited and enthusiastic they were.  It took me back to this time last year (yes, I know, way back), how excited I was and how lucky I felt for the opportunities I was getting.  It reminded me that, in spite of how hard it is sometimes, and in spite of the various unpleasant aspects of graduate school, there is a reason I chose this path.  Research is exciting...thinking and doing intellectual work is fun...I came to Rochester because the program here is really good, and I really like my lab, my advisor, and the work that  we do.

It is so easy to forget that we are where we are in large part due to choices we make.  It is easy to become jaded and focus on the negative aspects of something we once loved when it becomes routine.  There is a reason graduate students complain a lot - it is hard work! I want to remember, though, that I worked hard to be here, and I can't really see my self as happy doing anything else.  The goal is to keep my excitement.

Skills vs. Information

When we are little kids, we spend a lot of time learning new skills...reading, writing, walking, tying our own shoes...  Remember how frustrating it was?  It takes practice and support to really master skills.

Compare that to later on in elementary school: you know how to read and write, you have mastered the basic skills it takes to succeed in school.  Most of what we learn is information...names, dates, rules for grammar and rules for math.  It's about knowing the facts.

I feel like I'm at a transition like that again.  I'm learning lots of new information, but I'm also having to learn new thinking skills.  I am learning the skill of critiquing and questioning information I'm given, but I also have to know the information really well in order to do so.  It's like integrating those two types of learning.  And it's kind of hard...

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes. 

-Henry David Thoreau

Struggling With Faith'

I have never really struggled with faith before...well, that's not true.  I am pretty skeptical by default.  I guess what I mean to say is that I have never doubted God was there.  I have questioned what His nature is, what His role is in our lives (and what our role is in His life for that matter), and what He expects of us.

Recently I've been thinking about what motivates people (including me) to be "good" or to be "moral". I watched a TED talk, or read something, or was talking with someone, somewhere where someone was making the case that religion cheapens morality; being a good person for the sake of securing some special status or position in the next life makes it extrinsically motivated and self-interested.  It is only when we can let go of a God who rewards and punishes us, and instead make good moral choices for their own sake, that we can be truly good people.  I had never thought of it this way before.

Honestly, I can appreciate this argument, and find it compelling.  In one aspect I agree.  Our choices are much more meaningful, for good or bad, when we are intrinsically motivated and take ownership of them.  I've been struggling with this idea for a long time now: is it possible to be moral with out God?  Because of my life experience, the only conclusion I can come to is yes, it is.  And I know, because I see it all the time - continually - that people can live fulfilling lives bursting with meaning and purpose without consciously acknowledging "God."  I have also seen people lead totally immoral lives using religion and "God" as a cover or excuse for their bad behavior.  All of this makes me wonder, then, what is the point of God?

I'm not sure I can answer that 100% or that I will ever be able to.  Don't get me wrong, I still firmly believe in God.  It's just my understanding of who He is that is shifting.  

The LDS church teaches that part of the point of living here on this earth is to learn to be like God.  This means that, eventually when we have learned enough and become perfect*, we can also create our own worlds and raise our own spirit children.  If that is true, then at one point or another we are going to have to learn to function autonomously anyway.  It also implies that God, too, has to 'follow the rules'...that is what makes him God.  He understands the laws and knows how to follow them completely.  We, then, can also gain that knowledge.  Also, the laws must then be bigger than God; they must come from some place higher than Him^.  Where is that?

Another aspect of this, that is perhaps more relevant in the short-term (during this mortal experience on Earth), is that as Christians we are to follow Christ's example.  I don't think that he was motivated to live a perfect life and then sacrifice him self for us because he wanted power and position.  In fact, another LDS teaching tells us that seeking power was one fundamental  difference between satan and Christ.  Satan wanted God's glory for himself, while Christ wanted to help his brothers and sisters.  If we are to truly follow Christ, we must learn to emulate his behaviors, of course.  But perhaps the more important piece is to fully internalize his motives.  If we can do that, if we can learn to selflessly live for others for no other reason than it is the right thing to do, our actions will follow.

'After re-reading this post, the title doesn't seem appropriate.  I'm not sure what to call whatever it is I am struggling with.  The Nature of Divinity?  Sounds too pretentious.  Yo, God, Who Are You?  Too sacrilegious.  I don't know...I'll figure it out though.

*The way we become perfect and what perfection looks like is a whole other can of worms...one that I have barely started to open...Future posts I guess :)  

^Some people take issue with this teaching, and I can see why.  It would be easy to say that it lowers God; that it makes Him 'less'.  I don't think that's necessarily true, or that is necessarily a bad thing.  First of all, it makes God seem more approachable to me.  He was once like me.  Second, acknowledging that God was once as man is now doesn't diminish the fact that he is no longer like man.  He has perfected himself; acknowledging that He had to go through a process and struggle and work to become that way makes Him seem much more nobel than a distant, all-powerful deity with no beginning in my opinion.  He is all-powerful, but He earned that power.

2012 - A Year in Review

I did it again this year!  52 posts in 52 weeks! (I'm counting this as December 31st, even though I posted it after midnight...don't judge...)

This year has been crazy.  We are talking seriously crazy.  Here are the top ten most important things that happened to me this year:

10) I got to go visit my BF Allegra in Pennsylvania over new years; this time last year I was partying it up in Carlisle.

9) My parents divorce was finalized in February.  It was a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be. As most of you know, my dad and I never had the best relationship, and he treated my mom pretty badly.

8) Also in February I interviewed at U of R.  It was a busy month.

7)  I presented a research poster at two different conferences.

6)  I graduate from college...yeah, that's a pretty big deal.  It is one of those things that you think about, but also think will never actually happen.

5)  I quit my job at The Children's Place.  I worked there almost exactly 4 years.  I am grateful for all the friends I made there, but honestly I am SO glad to be done with retail.

4)  I moved across the country.  They say that moving is the second most stressful life experience, right after death of a loved one.  I'm not sure it was quite that bad, but it definitely was super crazy.  I still feel like I'm adjusting.

3)  I started grad school.  It has been an enormous adjustment, but a good one.  I might complain sometimes, but really, I love it!  I have never worked so hard or had so much fun.  I get to spend the majority of my time thinking and reading and thinking about what I read!

2)  I've made some pretty awesome new friends and met some really great people.

  

1)  I've learned a lot about myself.  Being on your own leaves a lot of room for self reflection (something you've probably noticed I have a tendency to do anyway, sometimes to an annoying degree).  

2011 and 2012 were challenging in positive and negative ways.  I feel like I've come through it in pretty good shape, all things considered, but I won't lie, I'm glad to see them go.  It has been a blessing to have so many good friends (including a lot of you, my readers) and family to inspire and support me.  I can't complain because I am so blessed with an amazing support system and wonderful opportunities.  I hope that next year calms down a little so that I can be in the position to pay it forward.  Sorry to get all sappy on you, but it's true!  

I pray that the New Year brings you all peace and growth!