Sprinting

You may be wondering why all of these blog posts are coming out now. Well, I'll tell you. I'm bored. I've been so insanely busy the last two or three weeks that now, when I'm at a normal level of activity, it feels like I'm a lazy slob. I also have the constant nagging thought that there is something I'm forgetting to do. That, plus the fact that I have been proctoring exams like crazy (sitting in a quiet room with out a lot of things to do), means blogging. I'm not going to reach my 52 posts a year goal, but that's ok.

Back to what I was saying earlier about being bored…I hate that. I had been staying up till well past midnight; now I can't fall asleep till 1 am, or sleep past 7 am. I was constantly on the go, and now I can't sit still. It always takes me a few weeks to get back to normal and unwind. And by that time, school is starting to get going again. My problem, I think, is that I want it NOW. I want to be good at everything now, I want to be done with tasks as soon as I get them, and I want to have everything figured out. Sadly for me and my over-developed sense of perfectionism, that is not ow the world and especially the academic world works.

Things take time. Thinking takes time. Figuring stuff out is a life-long process. The idea that I can keep learning new things and keep getting better really appeals to me. I love the fact that my JOB is to learn new things. But there is also that part of me that likes knowing the answers. It's an odd juxtaposition of traits to have, and a weird space to inhabit sometimes, this gap between wanting to know everything and enjoying the process of learning.

I guess the take home message of all this rambling is that this - grad school, life, the quest to become a better person, whatever 'this' is for you - is a marathon, not a sprint. If we spend our time rushing to 'finish', we will burn out like a flash in a pan. We have to keep moving, certainly, but at a pace that is sustainable. That pace changes depending on life circumstances and individual characteristics. But finding equilibrium is so important. And it's something that I need to get better at.

That said, there are times when life requires you to sprint, and that's ok too. It takes a specific set of skills to do it well: focus, grit, agility and adaptability, and precision. It's easy when you are really busy for short periods of time to forget things and let details slip (as I and my students know…poor kids). The least little hiccough or bump in the road can derail your whole plan (how is that for mixing metaphors: bodily functions, roads and trains…win). The trick is to not let that be your whole life. Deal with those times when they come but let them go when they are over. Again…still working on this myself.

So, does anyone have any tips/tricks/suggestions about how you shift gears from sprinting to marathon style jogging? I could sure use some...

Rochester Part 3: the first 18 months

It's been over a year since I moved to Rochester. Crazy! It is starting to feel not new any more. I haven't used my gps in weeks!
Here is a little of what I've been up to the last 18 months. Sorry, they're totally out of order…:

 I've spent the last 2 Thanksgivings with my dear friend Allegra and her family. This is us at the Turkey Trot 5K this last Thanksgiving. My family in Utah does one every year, so it was nice to be doing the same thing they were, even if I wasn't doing it with them. This pic right to left is Allegra's sister Sara, Allegra, our friend Katrina (aka K-Dur) and me.

 The grad students in my department have a kickball team that I play on. It's really fun, a good excuse to hang out, and a chance to get some fresh air. I think this picture is from spring season? We are 1-1 for Winter so far!

 This is me, Brooke, Louisa, and Laura at Brooke's wedding this summer. It was a lot of fun! These three are the clinical psych students in my cohort.

 This is Andy, Michael, and Joseph at the Renaissance fair. I tagged along, but was not about to eat one of those disgusting turkey legs. We found out later that they are actually most likely Emu meat…sick.

 Me and my roommates on Halloween. We are all dedicated candy crushers and decided to honor that in our costumes.

 Casa Faraday all decorated for Christmas! So festive! I made the stockings by the way…they turned out pretty cute if I do say so myself…

 This is the covered porch on our house. I love it so much! Obviously this was during the summer. Right now it's like 18 degrees and snowing out.

 Me and Baby Devon! He's my office-mate Wendy's little one, and the most perfect baby ever. I get to hang with him when Wendy has meetings on campus sometimes, which I love!

This is my lab group. (From right to left, me, Ge, Marc, Wendy and our advisor Judi. Just Courtney is missing…where are you girl?) Hard at work! Or are we? You'll never know what's on that computer screen…

I'm so happy that I'm feeling settled, and have made such great friends, and am so grateful to all the wonderful people in my life.

Take criticism seriously, but not personally. If there is truth or merit in the criticism, try to learn from it. Otherwise, let it roll right off you.

Hillary Clinton

My Brothers

I am smack in the middle of two brothers; my older brother is three years older than me, my younger brother is 3 years younger, and our birthdays fall within less than a month of each other. Wade's birthday was last Saturday, and Cory's is coming up on Sunday.

Being the only girl was not something I loved. When we were kids, and I would see one of those Christian Children's Fund commercials (sponsor a child for only 5 cents a day!) I would beg my mom to buy me a sister. I thought that they actually sent you a kid. It was only 5 cents a day!

I was heart broken when my parents told me the baby in my mom's belly was a boy. One of my earliest memories is arguing with Mom and Dad about what to call him. I made a solid case in favor of calling the baby Annie; obviously if you gave a baby a girl's name it would be a girl and I was dying for a curly red-headded sister who could sing and dance. I also remember crying on the way to the hospital because I still didn't understand why anyone would want ANOTHER boy.

But then, as I got older, I really grew to appreciate the boys. They looked out for me, stood up for me, and let me hang out with them even if it wasn't cool. As a nerdy child, I really appreciated having built in friends. They would even play Barbies with me...as long as it included Barbie and her friends going 'bungie jumping' off the stair case, which of course resulted in gruesome life-threatening injuries.

Cory taught me multiplication tables when I was in kindergarten, and Wade would come to my tea parties even after I had been mean to him.

I was pretty timid as a kid, but they pushed me to be more adventurous. We lived in a new development, so early on there was a lot of empty space to wander. We also used to go camping with my Grannie a lot. By making me go exploring with them they forced me to recognize that I could do whatever. Without even being aware of it they taught me confidence. They also taught me to trust my own judgment: if I think that ledge looks unstable, I probably shouldn't climb on it...unfortunately that is one lesson I learned the hard way.

And now they are some of my best friends. Wade is kind and goofy, and so good at getting to know new people. Cory is thoughtful, considerate, and one of the hardest working people I know. No one can make me laugh like them (two words: kidney. punch.), no one can put me in my place like them when I need it, and no one is better at putting things in perspective. They are both good men, the best I know.

So Happy Birthday Wade! Happy Birthday Cory!

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks

I really need to step up my blog game guys.  I'm so far behind my blog quota!

To make it up to you, here is a new top 10. These are ten songs that get me in the heart every time. Some are sad, some are heartwarming. I love them all.

10. Don't Think Twice - Bob Dylan
I love Bob Dylan. And this song, for some reason, always makes me feel so lonely. There's something sad about people growing apart, and something even more sad when those involved try to pretend they don't care.

9. Take it All - Adele
Been there.

8. Swimming - Pearl and the Beard
This song got me through some stuff. It's ok to be sad. And it's ok to want things to be different. Eventually, they will be.

7. Jolene - The Staves (Ray Lamontagne cover)
I mean just listen to the lyrics. It's tragic.

6. Peace Like a River - University of Utah Singers
I love love love this arrangement (and that I can see my friends singing it).

5. We Shall Overcome - Joan Baez
It's a bit literal, but that's ok.  Actually, I really just like Joan Baez. And folk music. And ballads...sometimes I feel like I missed my decade.  I totally could have been a civil-rights-peace-activist-folk-singer in the 60's.

4. Traumerei - Robert Schumann (performed by Vladimir Horowitz)
I don't know what it is about this song, but I love it a lot. It always calms me down. It was also the first song that I remember having a strong emotional reaction to.

3. Love is Christmas - Sara Bareilles
I know, I know, super cheesy. It's just that I live far away from home. Some of my best childhood memories are from Christmases I spent with my family. And the combination of those two things means that this song makes me really nostalgic and homesick.

2. Love to Me - Matthew Morrison (from The Light in the Piazza)
So pretty.  This whole show is just gorgeous. (Lindsay, amiright?)

1. Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart
This is my go to song when I've had a particularly hard day.

Honorable Mention: Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

There are so many more songs that provoke strong emotional reactions for me. I could go on and on. These are just the ones that are particularly salient for me right now. What are some of your favorite heart wrenching songs?

Circles

We take turns, then, don’t we?  When you are caught on any plains where love is not, I will gather what I have and bring what I can.  And when I have used up all my love and am stranded in the cold, I will watch for you to appear with fresh supplies.  That way we can make it, I think, all of us.  We can be sufficiently creative and sufficiently kind that we will draw circle upon circle upon circle, bringing each other in, leaving no one out, joining, linking, enlarging, until the pattern of the whole human family, seen through the Eye of God, is complete. 

~Carol Lynn Pearson

I'm Tired

Look, I try really hard to be positive on this blog.  I try to tell you all the stuff I am up to, and share inspiring things I find.  98% of the time, that really is authentically me.  I am so blessed.  I'm doing what I love, supported by a great family, and surrounded by truly remarkable friends.

But, honestly, that is not me today.

Do you ever have days when you are just done?  I am today.

I am tired.
I'm tired of being judged.
I'm tired of having to be constantly on my guard because some of my most deeply held beliefs are offensive to some of the people closest to me.
I'm tired of watching others denigrate and dismiss my sincere questions and concerns.
I'm frustrated that people are so judgmental and unwilling to put themselves in someone else's shoes.
And I'm tired of feeling frustrated.
I'm tired of trying so hard to be thoughtful and conscientious in my opinions and beliefs, when so many others just shoot from the hip and don't care think before they speak.  Especially when there is no right or wrong answer.
I'm tired of people assuming that because I am 'nice,' I am weak.
I'm tired of people acting like they know stuff when really they have no freaking idea what they are talking about...pride, man, it's the worst.
I'm sick and tired of other people telling me how I should feel and think.

It bums me out that I feel guilty about letting people know how I feel, and I almost didn't post this.

I know that tomorrow or next week things will not seem so bleak and I will have some of my strength back, but for now I'm just going to let myself be tired.  Time to curl up with some hot chocolate!