Mormonism and Feminism...and heck, let's throw Conservatism in there too...

I am a Mormon.

I am a Feminist.

I do not see these things as mutual exclusive or (usually) in opposition to one another.  I define feminism as the desire for equal respect, dignity, and rights to be given to all people, regardless of gender, along with the recognition that this hasn't been achieved yet.  The church teaches that we are all brothers and sisters; we are all God's children.  That has two implications.  First, we all have something divine in us.  (I know, I know, it sounds corny...)  Second, He loves us all equally.  All you parents out there, do you love your sons more than your daughters?...that's what I thought.  I don't want to dominate men.  I don't want to degrade them or take anything away from them.  What I do want is to be an equal partner.  I do want to be treated with respect.  I do want to be able to have opinions and input, and have that be respected.  The proclamation on the family says

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

Sounds good to me.

What worries me is men (and women) who hide behind church doctrine and use it as an excuse to allow chauvinism and domination, or to let men off the hook.

I am not a conservative.

I would describe myself as a titch Left of Center on most issues (which, compared to most of my LDS friends and family is pretty darn liberal).  To be totally honest I find that some conservative stances lack the compassion that was so central to Christ's teachings.

I also do not see those as mutually exclusive either.  If you take the time to really read the church's official positions on a lot of things, they are really politically neutral.  I think this article does a good job of illustrating this point. (I did a little fact checking, because I was surprised at some of this stuff...It's all true!)  God gave us all the power of discernment and free agency.  We need to use those to think critically and form our own opinions.  I fear that too many LDS young adults just decide on their political beliefs because that's what most Mormons are, or because that's what their parents believe.  If you have done your research and really thought things through, and you form a different opinion than mine, that is awesome.  Good for you.  I totally respect that.

My faith is not contingent upon my political beliefs.  Just because I disagree with the political opinions of many church members doesn't mean I don't love them, or that we can't work together to further the good work of the church, or that I don't have strong faith.

My point here...well I guess I have two points.  Don't stereotype.  Also, THINK. 

I thought today about the day my dad left.  And I realized that I hadn't really thought about that day before.  I mean, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that he left, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about the days that followed (especially my grandpa's funeral...which was 10 days later; yeah, my dad had really good timing...), but I haven't really thought about that day specifically.  It's been a little over a year since it happened, and I hadn't thought about it once.

I was sitting on the couch working on my grad school applications; actually I was revising my essay for U of R.  My dad came in late from work, which was nothing unusual.  He was always late coming home.  I looked up from what I was doing and told him hey.  He asked where mom was.  I told him she was out in the yard.  He left to find her, and I went back to what I was doing.  The next thing I knew, my mom came in to the house hysterical.  I asked her what was wrong, and she told me to ask my dad. He told me not to worry about it, it was none of my business.  Then mom said that he was leaving, and she stormed out of the house, still hysterical.  That left me and my dad alone.  He tried to say something to me, I interrupted him and told him to go to Hell and that I didn't want to look at him.  He turned and calmly walked up stairs and started packing up his stuff.  I sat on the couch for about an hour.  I didn't move.  I finally got up and went to find my mom.  She was in the driveway with our neighbor, who is also one of her best friends, still sobbing.  I took her inside.  My dad slept in the guest room that night.  Wade and I slept with mom in her room.

He told me it was none of my business.  None of my business that he was ruining my family.  None of my business that my father had spent the last 5 years being a total jerk, and was now just walking away from all his responsibilities.  Right.  Awesome.

He was so. calm.  That was one thing that actually struck me when he first got home and asked me where my mom was.  He was calm.  How can someone be that way when they are destroying something so important?  

He stayed in the house that night.  No one wanted him there.  He obviously didn't want to be there.  Why the hell did he stay there?  Because he is a control freak; he wanted to lord over us all for one more day, and he wanted to continue to make his presence felt as long as he could.

I should have known it was coming.  I should have felt something different when I talked to him when he first got home.  I should have seen it coming, and I should have warned my mom.  Or done something. 

I'm glad I said what I did.  One of the reasons my dad and I butted heads so much for so long was because I would call him on his crap and tell him exactly how I felt.  Feelings always made him really uncomfortable, hence I always made him really uncomfortable.  That and I wouldn't let him push me around the way my mom did.  He was a liar, and I was honest. He couldn't control me and if he can't control it, he wants nothing to do with it.

I was totally paralyzed...physically for a while, and emotionally for a long time (I didn't even think about any of this for a year for Pete's sake).  And that surprised me, and scared me.  I have never been one of those people who loses their head in a crisis, and I am usually pretty good under pressure.  Plus, I had been telling my mom for YEARS that I didn't understand why she stayed with my dad; it used to make me so mad and frustrated that she let him treat her like crap.  I should have been relieved right?  His toxic energy was going to be gone from my home.  But no, I just sat there on the couch like a moron.  Also, I was an adult.  It's not like I was a little kid.  I was a big kid.  It shouldn't have affected me, an adult, as strongly as it did.  Why did it paralyze me?  It terrifies me that one person, one persons decisions, can affect my life and my emotions that much.  It's not fair, and I don't want anybody to have that much power over me ever again.  Even now, writing this is exhausting me.  I hate this feeling.

It is amazing how I went more than a year with out thinking about it, but as soon as I did think about it, the memories were so vivid and right there, easily accessible.

I had a hard time even wanting to post this.  I don't want to be melodramatic, and I don't want people to think I dwell or ruminate on this stuff.  Most of the time it is totally outside of my mental activity.  I just want people to understand what happened and why I was as angry as I was, and I want to understand it, too.  Anyway.  There it is.

Old and New

Wow, I am really behind.

Here is an update on my Rocha-cha adventures.  So far things are good.  Somedays I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water, but on the whole not too many complaints.  The heat has come on in my building.  I have to say, having a radiator has been an...adventure.  The first time it clicked on the pipes were SO loud.  I thought some one was in my apartment, and it kind of freaked me out.  And for the first few days the whole building smelled like a hot curling iron...with hair on it.  Not the best smell in the world.  On the upside, the smell has gone away and I've found that if I put a cup of water with some cinnamon and vanilla in it on top of the radiator it heats up and smells delicious!  I also tried putting my scentsy on there today, and it totally works. (That puppy gets stinking hot!)

Anyway, enough about my radiator...

I have been making a lot of new friends.  The people in my cohort (the other first year psych students) are great!  We cook diner together just about every weekend and help each other with our homework.  There are 8 of us, and about 5 of the 8 live with in walking distance, which is nice.

There are also some awesome people in my branch.  Some of the new people in the branch get together and commiserate about being in a new place, away from our families.  It's a sort of new kid support group.  It is fun!  (This is a tangent, but I have to admit that I am still having a hard time with the whole singles thing.  I am trying really hard to gain a testimony of it, but I don't like it.  I feel like separating some members of the church from others, just because of their marital status, and lumping them with people in a similar phase of life really limits learning opportunities, on both sides.  Divisions aren't good, and diversity leads to learning.  Plus, none of the activites that go on in my branch are very geared towards my needs anyway.  For the last 3 FHE's they have played Mario Cart for pete's sake.  I appreciate the social support that knowing other young single adults provides, but it could still be provided with out putting us in our own branch. I just miss interacting with the variety of people that a family ward provides...but I am honestly praying to gain a testimony of this program.)

I have also been 'adopted'!  One of my moms neighbors has a sister-in-law who lives about 30 minutes away, in Palmyra.  Her daughter lives next door with her husband and kids.  I have been going out to have diner with them almost every Sunday night since I've been here.  I absolutely adore them!  They are just so good and kind.  They have opened their home to me and taken me in.  It keeps me from getting overwhelmingly homesick.  I spent pretty much the whole weekend with them this weekend, watching General Conference and hanging out.  It was so nice to be with a regular family!  Conference was something that my family always did together...mom would make soup and usually bake something yummy.  We would lounge around all day and hang out together.  I really was not looking forward to Conference this year, because I was going to miss out on all that.  But my new adopted family took me in and let me have that experience with them.  Of course I still missed my family at home, but it would have been so much worse with out my new 'family.'

So that's the new part of this post.

The old is that my Aunt Tara and Uncle Blaine came to visit!  Well, actually they were here doing some family history research, but they came to see me.  I took them to Panera bread and on a driving tour of Rochester.  It is a really pretty town, and it is nice that now they know a little about where I live and what I'm doing.  New friends are great, but it's nice to be around people who you have a history with and who really know who you are.  I felt like I could really relax.  Plus they are my family and, unlike friends, can't get rid of me even if they want to!  I am so grateful that they got to come hang out for a while.

Priceless...

I just got my tuition bill, and almost started crying...but not for the reason you think.

Tuition here is expensive. Like, one class costs more than my car.  (Granted, I have a cheap-o car but you get the point.)  I have been dreaaaddding getting this bill.

But when I pulled it up on the computer I was super super pleasantly surprised.  My grand total out of pocket came to $825.  That may sound like a lot of money, but in comparison to what it has been before, that is nothing.  My tuition is covered; my student fees are covered.  I only have to pay for my insurance.  Wow.  Just...wow.

I am so thankful that I have been given this opportunity!  I can't even put it into words!

The "Mormon Moment"

There has been a lot of talk lately about Mormons, of which I am one.  All this attention has been kind of a double edged sword I feel.  The recent episode of Rock Center with Brian Williams pretty much exemplifies this.  I had high hopes for this show, because in general, Mr. Williams does some great reporting (and he is hilarious...have you seen the episode of SNL he hosted?).  Alas, I was once again disappointed.  Don't get me wrong, on the whole I felt like it was a pretty fair portrayal, and I didn't feel  the church was being attacked at all.  I did, however, feel that once again, they completely missed the point.

They spent a lot of time focusing on the temples and the 'secrecy' that surrounds them.  They also talked about the temple garments (so called 'mormon underwear').  But they didn't really explain anything about them; most of the information given came from the former members they talked to, not practicing members or church leaders, so it was pretty skewed.  First of all, the temple is not a secret.  In the temple church members participate in ordinances designed to help us make covenants with God, and help to remember them.  Having participated in them myself, I can promise you it is nothing crazy.  In fact it is pretty beautiful.  As far as the garments of the temple go, I like to compare it to a Jewish Yarmulke.  In and of themselves, they don't have special magical powers.  They are a reminder of the covenants made in the temple, the standards one is expected to live by, and of Gods love for his children.  (I don't know what kind of crack Ms. Huntsman was smoking...I have never ever heard someone talk about their garments saving their lives, and no one I know thinks they are magical; symbolic and sacred yes, but magic, no.)  Realistically the main point of the temple is families.  Through those temple ordinances that I mentioned earlier families can be families forever.  What is so bad and scary about encouraging that?

They talked to Joanna Brooks, who I think is an amazing person.  But the only thing they talked to her about was her feminism...and not even her feminism really, it was more about feminism on the outside looking in.  I am a feminist and a Mormon woman.  Sometimes I experience cognitive dissonance over this fact, I'll be honest.  But what this program didn't give Ms. Brooks a chance to talk about was the fact that the LDS church was founded on cognitive dissonance.  The reason Joseph Smith prayed and experienced the vision he did was because he didn't know what the right thing to do was.  In the church we are taught to question, study, pray, and find answers for ourselves.  (Does that sound like the blind obedience encouraged by a cult to you?)  The LDS church teaches that the purpose of this life is to learn all that we can.  Sometimes that means not being sure of the answers.  But they also teach that, through study and prayer, God will help us learn.  To hear Ms. Brooks' WHOLE story, read her book...it's pretty great.

They also glossed over a lot of church history, focusing only on the most sensationalized parts.  They didn't mention the extermination order signed by the governor of Missouri that forced thousands from their homes in the dead of winter.  They neglected to talk about the mobs of angry people who tarred and feathered, raped, pillaged, and murdered early church members in their own homes.  They didn't bring up the fact that those same people dragged themselves across thousands of miles of wilderness and built a home for themselves in the middle of the desert.  Or that that home quickly became one of the most prosperous territories in the west.  Did you hear about the university that the pioneers opened a mere three years after arriving in the Salt Lake Valley?  Oh that's right, they didn't talk about that either. (To be fair, I felt like they did an excellent job talking about the church's humanitarian aid work, and all the good that it does for people.  The whole 'we take care of our own' bit was spot on as well- the bishop's store house and the church employment centers are open to every one, not just members.)

I feel like those pieces of Mormon history go a long way in explaining why the church is the way it is today.  I will be the first to admit that LDS people tend to be very insular and a little stand-off-ish.  Can you blame them, knowing how they have been persecuted?  Even as recently as 20 years ago, missionaries in the southern UNITED STATES were regularly threatened or beaten or worse.  I myself have been yelled at, and called some pretty terrible names, when people found out what faith I belong to.  And it is not always as violent or blatant as that, the mocking and denigrating of our beliefs continues in pop culture (Big Love, The Book of Mormon: The Musical, references on South Park and The Simpsons...Speaking of the musical though, can you imagine the outcry if they made one called Qur'an: A Revue or something like that?  That would totally not be ok with me either.  Why is it ok to single out Mormons?) I 100% agree that the Mormon church as a whole should work on being more open, and they are.  But it is going to take a long time for the psyche of the LDS church to recover from it's history, especially since the mockery goes on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is take what you hear with a grain of salt.  Go to the source for the most reliable information.  Talk to people that you know who are church members.  The church website is a great resource.  There are commercials and videos called "I'm a Mormon" on youtube that will give a more accurate picture of who church members really are.  It is so sad to me that something that is so important to me is so misunderstood.  I hope that this helps clear up some questions.

The Rochester Chronicals Part Two- Campus Edition

As promised, here are some pictures of my new campus!

This is Meliora Hall, where the psychology department is housed.  My office is down on the second floor.  

(Keep your eyes open for the world Meliora.  It is every where on campus.  It's the school's motto- it means "ever better" in latin.)

This is a statue of George Eastman on the main quad.  He was the founder of Kodak and the school's single largest benefactor. 

This is the interfaith chapel.  There are about 15 different religions that have clergy who work here.  They offer worship services to everyone from evangelical christians to seikh. 

I love this building...the main library on campus.  The inside is just as beautiful as the outside.

I love all the ivy covered buildings!

I made friends with the little squirrels.  They seemed to enjoy the rice cakes I had brought for breakfast.

The bottom of the quad.  There are cool sculptures and little green spaces like this all over campus.

Another view of the library.  Meliora Hall is just off to the right.

The doors of the library.

This is Wilson Commons, the student services building, and home to some pretty awesome hot chocolate.

So now you can see why I fell in love with this school.  I mean, the main reasons I decided to come here were academic; I felt a connection with my mentor and her students.  Their research is fascinating to me.  The culture and atmosphere of the department fit my personality well.  

BUT the fact that this campus is so pretty certainly helped make the decision easier!

The Rochester Chronicles Part One

Last week was the big move!  Mom has gone home :( and I am all settled in my new apartment...kind of.  There was a mix up with the moving company, so my stuff is currently on a truck somewhere on its way here.  Luckily, my car is here safe and sound.  

We had a great time last week together.  My friend Allegra came up and surprised me. We went to the National Museum of Play (so fun), checked out the campus, and did some serious shopping!

She had to go home to go to work (boo!) on Wednesday. I was so happy to see her!

Mom and I went to Palmyra to see the church history sites on Thursday, which was amazing!

Anyway, allow me to take you on a tour of my new place...

To the left of the front door is my kitchen.  It's nice because I am on the end of the hall, so I get extra windows.

My unbelievably tiny bathroom is to the right of the front door.

Straight ahead as you come in the door is my living room.  As you can see, it is very sparsely furnished as of right now.  I hope to change that in the near future!

And this is my bedroom with the air mattress I've been sleeping on for the last week.  It's not bad, but I will be very happy to have my real bed back! 

All in all, it's a cute place in a nice neighborhood.  Just around the corner from me are some really cool cafes and shops.  I'm only ten minutes from campus and five minutes from church.  There is also nice grocery store nearby.  Stay tuned for The Rochester Chronicles Part Two...the campus edition!