Roller Coasters

This has been a...surprising week for me.  It was my last week of classes as an undergraduate.

I was sitting in my final attachment theory class and we all shared what we did for our final projects.  Everyone in the class except me wrote something about themselves or their families.  I didn't.  I was kind of dismayed at how open every one was.  It made me think...why wasn't I that way?  How come I didn't turn the lens on myself like everyone else had?  My knee jerk reaction was, "I'm ok...there is nothing to analyze."

Oh the lies we tell ourselves.

About 40 minutes into the 3 hour class, I realized that I didn't talk about myself because there was too much- too many emotions, too many experiences.  Between watching my mom struggle, having my dad leave, having my brothers 'leave' (in much more positive ways than my dad- mission and marriage...but still leaving), brought up a lot of attachment related stuff.  The problem has been that I was not ready to deal with it.  I feel like, now though, I am ready.  I don't want to be one of those people who shuts down their emotions.  My dad did that, and we all know how well that worked for him.

I am also trying to deal with all the stuff that graduating has brought up.  I went to a dinner my department gives for all the graduating members of it's honors society.  I had so much fun hanging out with the faculty who has taught me so much, and the friends I have made in my classes.  (Just an aside, seeing your professors in a social setting is like seeing your bishop in jeans, or your dentist at the grocery store...weird, but in a good way).  I love hanging out with people who get what I am saying and who love thinking and ideas as much as I do.  When it was over, though, I realized that may be the last time that I see some of those people.

It is super exciting, super scary, and super weird to think that I will be finished with this major, major chapter of my life.  My ambivalence has been surprising to me.  I have absolutely loved my college experience.  I feel like my world-view is so much broader than it used to be.  And isn't that what college is for?  The way I think is different, my career goals are different, and my future is definitely different than I thought it would be.  I swore I would never move out of the state again...that just goes to show you that you should be careful what you say because God has a sense of humor!  And I am actually excited about this move!  Who would have guessed?  I am going to really miss the U- going to class, interacting daily with all the amazing friends and mentors I acquired there, the amazing scenery, all the great resources right at my fingertips.  It has become my home-away-from-home and I love it.  Graduating from college is like the last marker of adulthood.  I am a real grown up now.

Having said all that, my two prevailing emotions right now are gratitude and excitement.  My life has been touched and shaped by so many amazing people in the last 4 years: my 'lab buddies' Holly Recchia, Stacia Bourne, Cecilia Wainryb, Kiana Tahari, Kris Oldroyd, Angie Erickson, Jenni Galloway; my professors Beverly Brehl, Marissa Deiner, Russ Isabella, Don Herrin, Jane Fjeldsted, Mary Ann Dresher, Pam Jones; my new friends Lindsay Davis, Melissa Robinson, Ali Engebretsen, Emily Leishman; my old friends Andrea Kesler (Smith), Chelsea Lindsay, Melissa Crockett, Allegra Franklin.  And so many more!!  I could go on and on and on.  I am so thankful for all they have given me and the opportunity I have had to learn from them- about academics, and how to be a good person.  And I am excited looking toward the future!  I am so excited to go to grad school.  I am excited to get to spend my focus and energy on thinking and learning.  I am excited to get to learn from a new group of people.

It is a strange, ambivalent place to be.  But it's all good.  I am good.

Life is good!